Establishing boundaries

A story of boundaries:

About a month ago, I brought a proposal to a group I was part of. The idea was to do a virtual convention in a space we were all in since we were all trying to build our notoriety in this space and had experience running virtual conferences.

We spent about a month talking about it, planning it, and we were just at the first stage where people had to do homework.

I asked, and everybody agreed, to spend the next week writing 1-2 names per panel hour for who would make great guests to discuss each topic.

This wasn’t a big ask, but it’s the first step where I could judge if the people were good candidates for partnerships. It was definitely something that could be accomplished in less than an hour.

This is where the boundary comes in. I set it without telling anybody, as if people are told of the boundary it could make them more likely to complete the task to avoid the punishment. It’s really important to get a baseline assessment of the person to know if they are trustworthy or not.

If they all added names to the sheet, then they passed. If not, I was out. If somebody cannot do a simple task, then I can’t trust them to do more, or risk my reputation on them.

Note, it really doesn’t matter the reason why, because there will ALWAYS be an excuse. There’s also a caveat to this. If you reach out and communicate the problem, I am very understanding, but if you do not then I assume the task will be completed as assigned and agreed upon.

So, what happened?

Only one of the three other people did the homework, and I’ve been part of enough partnerships that failed to know that’s a red flag, and it’s better to cut ties. Literally, three companies blew up in my face because I chose the wrong partners. Not bad people, just not the right partners FOR ME.

So, I sent an email that said I was out because people didn’t do the work.

Today, one of the people spent 15 minutes trying to convince me he wasn’t in the wrong. He gave several excuses and even more reasons…

…but it just didn’t matter. That was a hard line, a boundary I couldn’t cross.

It didn’t mean we couldn’t be friends, but it DID mean I was NOT going into business with him. I’ve watched that blow up in my face too many times.

Boundaries are important, and if somebody doesn’t respect yours, you should find out early, and get them out of your life.

This is how I go into everything. Small steps of trust with lots of ways to shut down, because otherwise you’ll go too far down a road, and it NEVER ends well.

Ever.

He’s not a bad person, just someone I shouldn’t be on business with, and I am glad I found that out after three hours of work, and not 300.

Do not let anybody push you around for having boundaries, or make you feel bad about them. You shouldn’t make them feel bad about breaking your boundary, either, but you should be firm and direct. Do not move your boundaries, because if you do, people will think that your boundaries are flexible and will be less likely to take them seriously in the future.

I was excited about the project, but so is life, and the boundaries are more important to me, because I know they prevent me from worlds of grief.  People have called me intimidating and hard to work with, but it almost always stems back to the fact that I have clear boundaries and high expectations. I am very reasonable if you communicate with me, and if you can meet both my expectations and boundaries.

Mental health is more important than being liked, and I am liked by the people I care to work with, which is what matters.